#6 Of What Makes Me Smile

Last week, my step-sis called to tell me that there was going to be a surprise 80th birthday party for my step-dad (her father).  I wasn't sure if I would attend as I already had something planned.  Anyway, as is my habit, I didn't say NO straightaway.

Thinking more about it, I decided that this was going to be a "MUST" attend because I love my step-dad, Peter Chang very much.  He came into our lives when all of us were already grown up and he took his time to win us over.  Dad, as I have called him since so long ago, has always been my confidant.  I can ask him and tell him anything.  He would always have the right advice and suggestions for everything.  I have spent hundreds of weekends walking, shopping, talking and eating with him.  He would faithfully wait while I browsed through clothes, shoes, bags, books or whatever.  We would go check out exhibitions and events together.  Once or twice, he was my date for an official function.

The funniest story I have of us is the time when we were having lunch in a restaurant.  Someone I knew from my school days was also there with his wife and family.  He looked at me, I looked at him and suddenly we recognised each other.  He walked over to our table and I introduced him to my Dad.  He looked at Peter, who is of Chinese descent, then at me and chuckled, "Oh boy, he sure has changed!".  I burst out laughing.  Often, I forget that Dad is my step-dad when I make introductions.  He is so much of a father to me.

Dad before cutting his cake!

For this reason, I am glad that I didn't give in to the temptation of being my usual anti-social self.  Duty is a very personal thing and I did feel duty-bound to be part of his birthday celebration.

He will turn 80 on 13 February 2012.  I understand that he will be the first of his siblings to reach this age.  It is truly and honour to have him in our family.  I am so grateful that he is a part of my life.

After the party, he told me that the surprise celebration was the most memorable night in his entire life.

Credit goes to his three wonderful children, Susan, Ann and Gerarde for getting almost all of the family together and organising such a lovely dinner.  Here is a picture of everyone taken after last night's dinner, all looking radiant and happy.  The "Birthday Boy and Guest of Honour" in that moment, with a look of complete and utter satisfaction.

The beautiful family members

Beauty is in the "i" of the beholder!

Lo and behold, that's me with my iPhone and iPad2.  Thanks to Steven Jobs and Stephen Grosse.

Earlier, Stephen gave me an iPod.  I didn't use it very much.  Then I found out that if you combine your iPod with Mitone Speakers, you get a remarkable sound system.

I was already satisfied with my Blackberry but when the contract to upgrade the phone came up, Stephen decided to get me the iPhone.  Two weeks later, he got me the iPad2.

I found these on the net and it seems appropriate to share it here.


The modern i-Family...
Son: iPod
Daughter: iPhone
Mom: iPad
Dad: iPAY!!!! :(

and another one

I am addicted. 

I bought all the iPhone, iPad, iTouch...

now iBroke,ihomeless and iRegret.

The realities of relatives

Who is a 'relative'?

a person who is connected with another or others by blood or marriage.

I've found that there are relatives and there are relatives. Or so people say when they want to imply that some relatives are nice and others are not so nice.

The reality is that relatives often think that they know best. By virtue of the fact that they are a relative, they believe that their opinions are the only ones that count. They cannot see beyond that and refuse to consider any other option as being correct except theirs. This is a reality.

The reality is that relatives often want to be the first to hear news. They need to be the first to convey information they pick up, even when it's not true. This is a reality.

The reality is that relatives often cause more damage than good even if they have the best intentions. They are unable to see the big picture and only judge from one small vantage point but shout the loudest.

Fortunately, one negative relative can be neutralised by another positive relative.

Thankfully, the reality is that the good ones far outweigh the bad ones.

(all pics from photobucket)

Happy Father's Day to all the Dads

To all the fathers out there, 

here's wishing you the best day ever!

The greatest gift I ever had

Came from God; I call him Dad!

~Author Unknown

Of uncommon common sense

I guess it's too much to ask, nowadays, if people know the unwritten rules of protocol when visiting elderly folk in a nursing home.

Yes, I know that it's frowned upon when a parent is put in a nursing home.  Yet, if people take the trouble to look into the extenuating circumstances, they might understand the whys and the wherefores.  

In the taxi to visit my mother-in-law yesterday, the taxi driver asked me who I was visiting and I told him, "my mother".  He asked me why she was in a home and I explained to him.  When we reached the destination, he turned around and said to me, "You are doing good".  He went on to say that his mother was also in a nursing home.  It was expensive but it was the best thing for her.  The fact that a total stranger could understand, in under ten minutes, really took me by surprise because there are so many family members out there eager to whack us about this.  Fortunately, Stephen and his sister did not have to depend on the so-called family members when deciding this.  Today, mom is still alive and that's all I have to say about it.  

Then, there are also people who want to put their aged parents in a home but just cannot afford to.  Nobody wants to come out with the money.  When this is the case, the aged parent is not in a better situation because the children are 'forced' to look after them.  I have heard accusations flying back and forth between siblings who are counting the hours each one has to do 'duty'.  It is not a pleasant scene.

Isn't it also true that some aged parents, when they are no longer useful to their children, are ill-treated, even at home?  How many cases are there of physically and mentally abused parents?  Parents who bear the humiliation and pain because of not wanting to disgrace their own children.  

What about the children who take their parents in because of money?  To comply with the clause of  "you take me in, you get the money".  Let's not pretend here about some of the cases out there of the "holier than thou" variety.

I'm not going into all that today.  Perhaps, I'll come back to it another time.

Today, I just want to list some "unwritten rules" that decent people should be aware of.

GUIDELINES FOR VISITING ELDERLY FOLK IN A HOME

1.  You do not ask or hint for money from them.

2.  You do not unload your family or personal problems to them.

3.  You do not bring unhealthy food for them.

4.  You do not poison their minds about their immediate family members.

5.  You do not pretend concern if you visit only once in six months.

YOU MAY, HOWEVER, CONSIDER THESE!

1.  You bring a smile and a cheerful countenance.

2.  You talk about events that lift the spirit.

3.  You sit and listen because they want to talk.

4.  You give a hug and a kiss because it's good for the soul.

5.  You leave with words that nourish her.

So often I have had to listen to the complaints from my mother-in-law about the people who have broken their promises to her to bring her food/to visit again/to buy her something or other.  How can people be so thoughtless?

Of the tide turning

Other than when I am with Stephen, I am used to being the one who is in the position of servitude.  

Well, at work, that's my job.

In my family, it isn't unusual either that I am the one everyone expects to step up to the plate and to deal with whatever happens.

I'm the one who goes the distance for the family, when necessary.  For as long as I can remember, I'm the one who carries the bags, the one who gets the car while they wait at the entrance.  I'm the one who does the banking, picks up the stuff, gets the groceries or whatever else needs to be done.  I've hosted gatherings, sleepovers and dinners at restaurants.

This is the reason why I love being with Stephen.  He will queue up for me, order my food and drinks while I sit and wait.  He will go shopping with me, carry the bags, open the doors and even watch movies that I like.  I'm really pampered.

It's a stark contrast to how I am with my family.

Recently, I was out with my son and his girlfriend, Gwen.  Yup, I was the lamp post.

Anyway, we had lunch and then browsed around Ikea.  We found some stuff that we wanted needed.  Hence, we ended up carrying quite a bit between the three of us.  Since we intended to shop some more, the kids decided to leave the things in the car so that our hands would be free for more shopping.

As we made our way to the basement and just as we reached the exit, Gwen turned to me and said, "Aunty, you sit here and wait while we put the things in the car".  For a moment, I was stunned.  I'll explain why.

Other than when I am with Stephen, I am the one who does what needs to be done.  

Now, the kids are treating me as I have been treating my old folks.  

It's official.  

I'm O L D.

The tide has turned

I love it.

Of me and my moms

On Mother’s Day, most people only talk about their biological mother.  In my case, I’m going all out to boast that I have a mother for each day of the week.  Yup, it’s true. I have SEVEN of them!

Of course, there’s my mom.

Since my parents are divorced,  I have a step mom.

I was a widow and now remarried so I have two mothers-in-law.

Then I found out, I have a step-mother-in-law.

If all that isn’t enough, I also have 2 godmothers.

All of them have completely different personalities.  The only similarity is that all of them are great cooks.  I guess in their time, it was a necessity and they honed that skill to perfection.  They look after the home and hearth, without fuss or fanfare.  They love without any expectations.  They are my moms and I am blessed.

Today being Mother’s Day, I want to highlight the best quality in each of them.

Mom Virginia - Her best quality is her quiet, gentle strength.  She takes everything in stride and gives without any reservation.  I have watched her struggle without complaining.  It has been a challenge for me to match her courage in the face of adversity.  She is an amazing woman.

Stepmom Julie - She loves with every fiber of her being.  It took me a bit of time to accept her but once I did, she became “Mama”, in every sense of the word.  She has intuition and will pick up the slack if she notices you need something.  She is an amazing woman.

Mom-in-law Rose - I learnt many things from her strong sense of duty towards every member of the family.  She gave me wings to fly when I needed it.  She stood by me for so many decisions I made.  She is an amazing woman.

Mom-in-law Myra – Generosity is her middle name.  I don’t know of anybody kinder and more giving than her.  She will not take more than she needs.  She will give her last dollar if you ask her for it.  In this, she is selfless.  She is an amazing woman.

Stepmom-in-law Ibu – Stephen and I call her Ibu Darling.  She is soft-spoken and sweetness personified.  From the first moment that I met her, I loved her.  I know she loves us more, and without any reservations.  She is an amazing woman.

Godmother Corazon – I am the daughter she never had.  She’s the one who pampered and spoilt me.  She understood my first heartbreak.  She never asked questions when I didn't have answers.  My teenage years were easier because of her.  She is an amazing woman.

Godmother Cathy – The most elegant woman I know.  She is always prim and proper.  Though we’d not been in touch for years, when she came back to Malaysia, we just picked up where we last left off.  She is an amazing woman.

So there you have it!  7 amazing women in my life.

Amazing women become amazing mothers.

Only when I became a mom, I found out that I could truly and deeply love another human being more than myself. 

Happy Mother’s Day to me and to all of them!!!!!

All pics from photobucket.

#4 Of What Makes Me Smile

In December last year, my Uncle Ralph wrote this in an email to me

"If I were to nominate a true friend who understands, forgives & is supportive, you would be on the Top of my list."

This is so special to me and makes me smile so much because Uncle Ralph is not a blood relative.  I met him via Stephen just a few years ago and we have been emailing each other regularly since then.  His words touch my heart and made me smile for days on end.  It seemed to be a gift so pure and perfect.  Didn't someone say that the best gifts are given from the heart?  

I had saved this email and today I chanced upon it while looking for something else.

Again, it made me smile.

Thank you, Uncle Ralph for being so loving.  People seldom say it till it's too late.  Not me.  

I love you, Uncle Ralph.

pic from photobucket

Of Comfort and Being Comfortable

What does comfort mean to you?  For some, it's having an eight bedroom mansion and a huge yard.  For another, it's a posh penthouse with marble flooring and a spectacular view of the city.  Yet, for many it is just  having a bed to rest their tired body after a hard day's work.  

Lately I've come to realise what comfort really means to me.  Of course, it's having a roof over my head and a nice bed to sleep on but it's so much more.  

For me, it's being with Stephen and Jared.  They are my comfort.  

Stephen and I always have fun together.  He's a barrel of laughs and jokes. However, the bonus for us is when Jared joins us.  We slept late on Thursday night.  So we spent Friday morning sleeping in till almost lunch time.  Then we went for an early Chilli Pan Mee.  We are crazy for it now.  It's our second time there but it won't be the last.

From there we went to Empire in Subang Jaya for a giant cookie, a cookie monster cupcake and coffee.  

We were missing someone!

And, of course, my two heroes had to test the World's Tallest Indoor Tube Slide

(pic from here)

 Missed Jared zooming out.

But I caught Stephen!

More photos taken with my Blackberry.

Empire Subang prepares for the Rabbit year

When we got home, we were all tired and we each found our chair to lepak the evening away.  Watching Jared on my left with his laptop and chatting with his girlfriend and then looking across on my right and seeing Stephen in the single Lazy Boy Chair, reclined and nodding off, half listening to the TV, Jared and to me, I can see he's so comfortable.  He's in his comfort zone.  

Here's an older picture of him, on the double chair, with his titbits.

Sitting between them is my definition of comfort and being comfortable.  Nothing else comes close.

Of being happy, happier and happiest!

In general, I am a happy person.  I've learnt that being happy is a conscious decision.  Occasionally, I found that even when I was happy, something could come up to make me happier.

This is me with my "happy" face.

Yesterday, when I was killing time between sending and picking Jared up (okay! I was shopping!), I got a BBM from Stephen.  He said that he had received a handsome bonus.  Of course, whatever he gets, for me in Malaysia, is multplied by 2.3 at least.

So I get a beautiful bonus too!  Stephen is so sweet.  Along with the cash, came words for why I deserved it and that made me love him even more.  

This is my "happier" face.

When am I happiest?  It's when I have moments that money cannot buy.  Too many to mention.  No picture could capture that face!

By the way, my grandpa would have been 101 today if he was alive.  I was always his favourite grandchild.  I miss him.  Happy Birthday, Pa!  

#2 Of What Makes Me Smile

Children are so innocent and they take anything you give them.  They trust you unquestioningly and they love you unconditionally.

I hardly gave my kids any aerated drinks when they were growing up.  Mostly they drank milk, water or the famous Ribena which, until today, is a favourite.

During one Chinese New Year celebration, I had a case of packet mango juice.  Jared asked for one and in the festive spirit, I said, "okay".  He was about 4 or maybe 5 years old.

As he was drinking the juice from the tiny straw,  he said, “Ummmmmm, this mango juice is nice and gassy”.  I jumped and grabbed the packet from him and screamed, “Don’t swallow!  Spit it out!”. 

It was too late.  He already swallowed a mouthful of what he thought was a delicious aerated mango juice.

I would learn later that he has an iron stomach and a weird sense of food combinations.  This boy can eat maggi curry noodles with cheese.  I think, my godson, Greg taught him this.  Yucks!


When  I tell this story, I always smile.

Happy Birthday, Baby!

Please click on music to listen.  The mushy stuff's below the music clip!



(Youtube clip from here.  Thank you)

It's unthinkable for me to let Stephen's birthday go by without putting up a post.  After all, this blog is my space, my world, my kingdom and my domain.  Stephen is in every inch of it and so very much a part of all I do and say.  

We are different, I don't deny it. 

He likes country music.  I prefer the rhythm and blues.

He is adventurous with food.  I am picky and fussy about it.

He's happy with his wardrobe.  I'm happy expanding mine.

And the list goes on, but he loves me and I love him.

In the end, that's all that matters

Happy Birthday, Baby!  The song is dedicated to you.  

On your special day, I just want to say "Baby, I'm a want you!"

Of being a friend

Recently, a string of emails made me think about what it means to be a friend. Not just a Facebook friend, but also a friend as defined by dictionaries as “a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard”.

The dictionaries also describe a friend as (1) a person who gives assistance, (2) a person who is on good terms with another and (3) a person who is not hostile.

A friend is not only someone who gives assistance. Anybody who is not a friend can also do that.

A friend is not a person who is on good terms with you. It is much more than that.

A friend is a person who is not hostile. Not true. A friend can sometimes be argumentative.

I suppose it would really be a stretch of the imagination to think that a friend could be defined so easily.

In one email reply, I wrote, “a friend, who could stand me, would stand by me”. This really is true. We are not perfect beings. We hide behind different masks with our insecurities and our vulnerabilities. The one who can see beyond all that, and still accept us for who we are, is a friend.

I have many friends. In every aspect of my life, I’ve been blessed with good friends. Not just fair-weather friends but friends who have shown their love for me much more than I sometimes think I deserve.

From experience, I know that it isn’t the length of time, the quantity of moments when meeting up or the quality of each happy greeting.

A person become your friend when you dare to show your true self, warts, and all.

As I think of the people in my life, the ones who are my friends, I realise how wealthy I am.

(pics from photobucket)

I'll see you in court!

Could this be the worst thing ever to hear anyone say to you? I’ll see you in court.

I have three stories.

This is my first.

For me, I have a personal experience of having been in court once before. It isn't a happy memory. I wasn't even on trial, just a witness, giving testimony. I remember the solemnity in the air, the cold courtroom and the depressing attire of the lawyers and the unsmiling face of the judge. It's not something I would ever want to experience again, not if I can help it.

Twenty years ago and yet it's still fresh in my mind. It was a simple, straightforward case and when my lawyer told me we lost, I was a little disappointed. In fact, I just thought to myself that it's over now and I'll move on. My brilliant lawyer, however, decided we would appeal. I wasn't interested. I felt that we gave it a shot, lost and now it's time to forget it. I did not want to go through it all again. Still he pressed on and said the magic words that changed my mind. He said, "You don't have to be present". Well he said many things to me like I had nothing to lose and that I'd never know if I could have won if I didn't give it another go. He insisted that I would be exactly where I was and nothing would change if I lost again but he highlighted what it would mean, if I won. However, the clincher was that I didn't have to be there.

For that reason, he appealed and we won. I got, what I thought was, a sizable amount paid to me in compensation. It restored my faith in the words "right is might".

On my own, I would not have taken up that fight. Why? Well, we are not big wigs! I feel that unless you are some big shot with loads of spare cash, then you can afford to go to court. Therefore, I am blessed to know a great lawyer, who I consider a good friend, and who was willing to stand by me with the assurances I had needed.

Do we take all our grievances to court? No, most times we can just settle it with just a confrontation.

This brings about my second story.

Also about 20 years ago, a girlfriend of mine hurt me deeply. She organised an outing with her boyfriend (my husband's mutual friend) and another woman. Her boyfriend then called my husband with the pretext that he needed advice and wanted to meet up. So my husband joined him. My husband came home early and the look on his face told me he had something to say. He surely did. He said that my girlfriend and her boyfriend had brought a friend for him to make a foursome. Somewhat like a blind date for my husband. My girlfriend told him not to tell me but he said, "You should know me better than that".

Well, you can imagine my disappointment at such an act of betrayal by my friend. If not for my husband telling me about it, I would not have known at all.

In any case, I called up my girlfriend the next morning. I asked her if she had had a great time the night before and she knew that I knew. She tried to sideline the issue but I went straight for the jugular. I told her that she just threw away years of friendship for a couple of hours of fun. I asked her if she really thought that my husband would keep it from me and if she really believed I would never find out. I also asked if she thought it was worth it now. I never really gave her a chance to explain. She was deathly silent. I knew she was shocked by my confrontation. In that instant, our friendship dating back to primary school days went dead. I didn't want to know of her or anything about her again.

The next morning, a huge bouquet of the most beautiful roses arrived at my doorstep, with a card from both of them. I put the flowers next to the TV and kept looking at the card and thinking about why people do wicked things and expect that it could be made “okay” with flowers and an apology. When my husband got home, he saw the flowers and asked me if I had accepted the apology. I looked at him and said "no". I couldn't be friends with someone who did not respect my marriage.

Yet, years later, I got over the hurt, and the outrage I felt, and I have forgiven, and I had almost forgotten it until this week. We are friends again and no mention of the past has been necessary. Why harbour such a negative emotion?

This brings me to my third and final story.

How far would you go to protect your family? I think that for most of us, we won't really know until we have to face it.

I can take gossip. They are meaningless and spiteful. I am probably guilty of it myself, at times. I can even take rumours. They are usually baseless and eventually die a natural death. 

When it goes beyond a gossip and a rumour, and appears to be defamation of character, can we do something?

Do we just have to accept that malicious lies can be repeated to "God only knows how many other people"?

When do we decide that it's enough? I know.

It's enough and should be stopped when words falsely said of a person implies that criminal intent was present.

I'm not a lawyer. Most of you already know that. Yet even cursory glances at websites show me that I have a right to feel that I have been wronged. People, who make these kinds of statements or write them, have to be accountable.

The strange thing about the internet is that it can be a tool used for or against you. Once you put something up in cyberspace, you can't ever retrieve it. You cannot know who has made a copy of it or saved it in their hard disk. There are "nuts" who just browse sites and save things for "just in case" and then again, there are “nuts” who put naked pictures of themselves and think that when they remove them, they are now safe. There are also nuts who copy and paste from other people's blogs or magazines and put it as their own work. Tsk! tsk! No shame!!!! There are also “nuts” who think that if they erase it, then it disappears forever from cyberspace. No, it doesn't.

Traces of it are floating around and if Facebook is anything to go by, I'd say that whatever is on your wall space literally belongs to you and becomes your property. Hence, only you can delete it. Or not.

Very recently, I had to make a decision about whether to let go or fight against what I considered an injustice to my family. Not fisticuffs but in a Court of Law! I wouldn’t know if I could win. Maybe what I consider unreasonable is really acceptable behaviour. Maybe people really can say nonsensical stuff and get away with it. I don't know but I was willing to find out, short of a face-to-face apology.

If no apology was forthcoming, I would have gone to see a lawyer. As a citizen of the world, I cannot believe that I am helpless against people who don't hesitate to say whatever they want to say.

Why a lawyer? Well, I believe that if it cannot be solved amicably between the two parties, then a relevant authority must decide. My conscience will not permit me to pretend it didn’t happen. If I lose, I'll have it on good authority that I am overreacting and not because someone said to me, you can't win lah! 

For me, it was a 50-50 situation.

I could win. Why not? I have witnesses and evidence.

I could lose. True. I would be right back where I started (minus legal fees).

My heart and my head told me I had to be true to myself. If there is no apology then I will have to see this through, to clear any doubts from my mind that I had done everything humanly possible to protect my family.

Fortunately, this had a happy ending. The person sent me email offering to apologise, on my terms.

Did I accept? I went further than that. I took the email as an admission of that person's guilt and feelings of remorse. It couldn't have been easy to eat humble pie. Yet, the person made the effort.  I admire that humility.

For me, for my family, it was enough. We declined the personal apology and as far as we are concerned, it is over.

We are not bullies but we don't want to be bullied either.

What have I learnt from this blog post? I have learnt that I can forgive if I really want to. It is always a matter of choice.

Me and my sex or your sex!

When I was born, I was the third child. Two females preceded me. By then, I would imagine that my parents would have had their fingers and toes crossed, and thought "third time lucky" but, lo and behold, another baby girl.

Was my mom sad? Was my dad disappointed? I will never know.

I do know, however, that they did give it a final shot and had a son four years later.

No matter where you live, I think that most couples secretly long for a son. Why? Who really knows?

What makes us women feel this unseen pressure to produce an heir to the 'throne'? Does it make the family "whole"?

I readily admit that I did feel some apprehension when I was expecting my first child. I so wanted a baby boy! When I had a miscarriage, I had a small tinge of remorse at not hoping for a healthy baby, regardless of the sex. Yet, when I conceived again, I so wanted a baby boy again. Who plants these ideas in our subconscious?

Shouldn't we be immune to these thoughts since motherhood is such a noble and natural part of our being?

I feel certain that after two girls, my mom prayed for a boy. Yet, I don't ever remember being treated differently. Heck, I don't even remember the day my brother was born.  There's nothing in my childhood that made me believe I was any lesser for being a girl.

All through my growing years, I never had any notion that baby boys were coveted. Well, at least, among us three girls and one boy, there was no hint of disparity in how we were brought up. In fact, I did hear comments that my brother would grow up to be 'girlish' and 'gay-ish'. Hah!! He's as macho as they come!

Yet, somewhere, somehow, this belief that I should want a baby boy was planted in my mind. Who put it there?

Have I missed having a daughter to call my own? I really wouldn’t know. It’s not the same but a consolation is that I have two beautiful nieces and they come wonderfully close to having my own girls.

In today's world, is there anything totally gender biased?  The line that divides the sexes is too fine.  No one sex really has a monopoly anymore.

Be that as it may, it's not about your sex or mine or even that of a baby. It's just about living, loving and ignoring the non-essential detail.

A child is, after all, a gift to us!

Happy 50th Birthday! But who's counting?

I decided to add this song because it epitomises what I am feeling right now, enjoy it while you read this post!


youtube credit

I travelled across half of peninsula Malaysia, a 5-hour journey, to reach Singapore, before midnight so that I could be with the one I love.

Was it an arduous journey? No,it wasn’t, as I only had to sit and doze throughout. Thoughts of reaching my destination and being with the man who greets me with that twinkle in his eye makes it all worthwhile.

He’s 50 today. It’s no big deal, age is just in the mind. Isn’t everyone bandying the phrase “50 is the new 30”?

So this blog post has to be all about him and I’ll start with adjectives that best describes him.

S – SEXY
T – TALENTED
E – EXCITING
P – PROTECTIVE
H – HANDSOME
E – ENERGETIC
N – NAUGHTY

G – GENEROUS
R – ROMANTIC
O – OUTSTANDING
S – SINCERE
S – SPONTANEOUS
E – ENDEARING

He’s all that and more. He’s kind, witty, caring and loving. I really lucked out when I met him. My life is filled with so much joy because of him.

Thank you for every moment of happiness.

Happy Birthday, Baby Grosse!

Love is complicated.

Stephen and I live apart.

As can be expected, almost everyone has something to say about it. Even people, who have nothing to do with us, raise their eyebrows and make a face. Some scoff at this arrangement and others just nod or shrug their shoulders because it is just beyond their comprehension that this arrangement is workable. Those that know us, worry that the separate lives we lead will take a toll on us.

It’s curious that if he were an astronaut, no one would think twice about his absence from home. It would be totally acceptable for him to be “away” for months. Since we are just ordinary people, it’s a bone of contention.

Truth be told, there aren’t any questions left that we have not, ourselves, asked of each other. There aren’t any alternatives that we have not analysed and scrutinised.

Truth be told, we don’t owe anyone an explanation.

Nevertheless, I do feel a need to touch on it. In the chance, that someone out there might benefit from knowing about our situation and to give hope to those who don’t or cannot live together yet!

At the outset, I should clarify that the distance between us is not of our own choice. The main and principal reason is Stephen’s mom.

To cut a long story short, in early 2006, she lapsed into a coma and almost died. Doctors told us she would not make it through the week and said we should prepare for the worst. Prior to this, MIL (mother-in-law) lived on her own and relied on her whims and fancies when it came to her pill prescription and nutrition. Having three heart blocks, diabetes and high blood pressure, she didn’t really understand the consequence of not eating healthy food nor of adhering to the medication she needed. When the inevitable happened, after an eating binge, it was no longer feasible for her to live alone. Stephen and his sister decided that she would be better cared for in a nursing home. That she is there is another long story, for another blog.

In any case, it is now 2009 and MIL is alive and doing rather well. Despite the fact that it has been an uphill battle with other interfering family members, that decision to put her there seems to have been the only reason for why she is still living today. Had she been allowed to go home, without a proper dietician to watch her food or a nurse to give her two insulin jabs a day, I sincerely doubt that she would have lived beyond a year, on her own. Whatever is said and done, it is the result that counts. She’s alive and no amount of condemnation from anybody can dispute that.

In this regard, the main and principal reason for us to be apart is my MIL. I write this with no malice at all.

I truly understand that Stephen needs to be near his mom. There is no other sibling around. All the other three are in the US. They are just too far away to be of any significant help for anything or anyone. If Stephen comes to KL, he’d have to shuttle back and forth. Besides, in any emergency, it would take him about 3 to 5 hours to get to her.

Stephen, on the other hand, understands me and of my commitments here. To be brutally frank, we had not anticipated that it would be more than 4 years of this. If he was eventually going to come to KL to retire, there wasn’t a real urgency for me to give up my job and move to Singapore. Of course, that’s all water under the bridge now.

In any case, the last 4 years have not been a total write-off. We’ve been commuting. I am there in Singapore, more than he comes to KL only because there is a need for me to visit with my MIL. If he came here more often, then she would have less of him and me. Since I’m not there, Stephen visits her frequently.

With all the modern technology, we don’t really feel the absence so badly. We “skype” everyday. For those moments, we are seated across each other, at our laptops, and we give each other undivided attention. Sometimes, I’ll have my dinner while he has his or I’m folding the clothes and we talk. I think there are married couples who don’t even talk the way we do. They go about their own ways and only share the same roof.

It’s not the best way for a marriage to be but neither is it the worst. We have many weekends together and every time we are together, it’s just glorious. We carry on from where we last left off and nothing seems untoward or out of place. Maybe it’s just us and our ability to make the most of our situation. Perhaps our personalities allow us to enjoy this kind of arrangement. I don’t say that there aren’t times when the absence can be unbearable. I don’t say, either, that there aren’t times when we wished we didn’t have to say goodbye so often. Yet, many other married people who have ‘normal’ married lives don’t seem to be as happy as we are. People who know Stephen will probably hear the same thing from him as those who know me here. We genuinely are all right with this. We know that it’s not going to be forever. Eventually, we will be together and that hope keeps us going.

There won’t be any regrets on his side if anything should happen to his mom. He is sacrificing his time with Jared and me in order to be as close to her as possible. Jared and I, in our own way also see it as a sacrifice or sorts. At the end of it all, we’ll be able to say we did what we believed was best and made the most of it.

This is the reason why I have loved this mini poster when I first saw it. I feel it totally encapsulates all that I want to say. Very often, I open the file to look at it and it reminds me of what LOVE should be. It also tells me that Stephen is capable of this kind of love. It tells me that it isn’t always easy to love because it’s complicated. It also tells me that when you do know of this kind of love, then your life has been worthwhile.

This post is dedicated to Antares, Hussein and Patricia.

Balimoon

Okay, it's almost a month since I posted anything and probably many have given up on visiting my blog.

Well, I had some problems with blogpost and then I was busy with work and home. Finally, a short holiday to Bali, with Stephen, added to the delay in updating here.

Anyway, after being away for nearly a month, I'm back!

I'm going to share some thoughts about my Balimoon (think Bali and Honeymoon). I'm sure you got it.

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

This holiday was last minute. We probably paid more than we should have but I guess that's the price to pay when we have commitments.

We paid about RM1200 for two airtickets, to and fro. Personally, I thought it was a great deal until I heard that if you book during their sales, the very same tickets can go for just RM80 per person. However, the travel dates have to be determined way in advance and we don't have that luxury yet. No worries, though.

Our hotel cost us USD115 per night which we booked online. It's pricey since we were there during the peak season. Low season prices can be gotten at about USD65 or thereabout. The Jayakarta Bali was recommended to us and we believe that it is value for money because of the great location, sufficient security and good service. There are three swimming pools and the beach is just a stone's throw away.The sand on the beach is fine and loose. Looks like silver dust sprinkled evenly through and it sparkles under the sun.
Just a short walk out of the hotel and you have shops, salons, restaurants, bars, tattoo shops, laundry, tour agents, car/bike rentals etc. Anything you would need, is just minutes away. The famous Legain Street is a 20 minute walk and all along the way, are shops galore. Shopaholics can get cured here!
Of course, with all the walking, who would not want to give in to the temptation of a foot reflexology. Stephen insisted I have a full-body massage. I didn't argue. :) So I allowed a stranger to massage me from the tip of my toe to the top of my head. It was bliss. Really, it was terribly delicious in every sense of the word. This was followed by a facial and pedicure and ended with a manicure. What did this cost? Rp190000 which comes to just about USD19.00. A simple body massage will cost only USD6.00. The place is clean, the workers are soft-spoken. Will I go back there again? YES.
This was, by far, the best holiday I've ever taken. Perhaps it's because I had the right company. We didn't have anyone to worry about except each other. Stephen is a great bodyguard. He's a wonderful companion to shop with. He'll bargain till we get the best price, he'll carry all the bags and he'll wait patiently for me to browse any shop that I want. I think my shopping addiction is cured. Well, at least for now!
The Balinese people are not what I had imagined them to be. I found them hard-working and attentive. They do everything cheerfully and go all out to help make your stay as pleasant as can be.

On the way to Ubud, I notice that the roads are really narrow but, happily, many are one way although the motorbikes go against traffic. I notice that everyone toots the horn but no one takes offence. Everyone is relaxed and calm and there's no ugly stare or finger up in the air if someone honks. You can rent a bike or car for the day. There are some really big bikes there. Most people walk. Dress is extremely casual. Just shorts or sarongs and tops.
I think it's safe to walk alone because I've seen young girls, skimpily dressed and walking around even at nights. The men don't leer or gawk at the women with their bikini tops and plunging necklines. Many women walk around with just a sarong and a bikini top. Me, not so modern lah. I just wore some exercise top and shorts. Men go around bare bodied.

We took a Sunset Dinner Cruise on our third night. We took this cruise which picks up from hotel, drive to the harbour, board the cruise ship, watch the sunset, buffet dinner, show, music and dancing (if you want). Pick up at 4.30 pm and ends at about 8.45 pm. We paid Rp 800000 (USD80.00) for two of us. They give you a welcome drink, serve canapes and there is an international buffet spread.
It gets bright very early in the morning. Stephen wakes up at about 5 am and I stay in bed till about 6.30 am. He says I snore and it wakes him up. Hey, I'm tired from the walking about all day. We usually walk in the mornings and throughout the day. Heck! Who wouldn't be tired?

Stephen and I fell in love with Bali. The people, the sights, the sounds and the smells all left an indelible mark on us.

Things are going to get mushy now. (Hint! Leave now if you can't stand it).

From the start of the trip, the one factor that made it all so memorable was the fact that I had Stephen to share it with. As many of you know, we live in two different countries and although we see each other on most weekends, it's always short though sweet. When I am in Singapore, it's business as usual with visits to family or just catching up with him and all that's happening there.

When he comes to Malaysia, we relax and we have my side of the family to meet up with.

However, when we left Malaysia for Bali, it really was a lovely feeling to not worry about anyone, at least for a while. With no obligatory duties to perform, we only had to see to our own needs. There's something wonderful in that feeling. I'm not knocking those with young kids. There's unspeakable joy in having your children with you and making memories with them. We've had that too with other holidays together with Jared. Going off, on our own, we felt a freedom to just revel in the luxury of each other's company. We felt sad leaving Jared behind for just maybe 10 seconds. The moment we got in line to check-in, the excitement just took over and we got into "holiday" mode easily.

After four days and three nights in Bali, we realised that it wasn't enough. There were so many more places to see and food to enjoy. We both knew that we would make the trip again.

Did we leave with a heavy heart? Not really. We were sad but we were together. We know better than to look back when we can look forward with the knowledge that returning to Malaysia wouldn't mean despair and desolation. Malaysia means Jared and the comforts of home. And home is where the heart is.

Click here for a fantastic post and great pictures on Bali (4 parts) by Antares!