27 March 2010

Me and my sex or your sex!

When I was born, I was the third child. Two females preceded me. By then, I would imagine that my parents would have had their fingers and toes crossed, and thought "third time lucky" but, lo and behold, another baby girl.

Was my mom sad? Was my dad disappointed? I will never know.

I do know, however, that they did give it a final shot and had a son four years later.

No matter where you live, I think that most couples secretly long for a son. Why? Who really knows?

What makes us women feel this unseen pressure to produce an heir to the 'throne'? Does it make the family "whole"?

I readily admit that I did feel some apprehension when I was expecting my first child. I so wanted a baby boy! When I had a miscarriage, I had a small tinge of remorse at not hoping for a healthy baby, regardless of the sex. Yet, when I conceived again, I so wanted a baby boy again. Who plants these ideas in our subconscious?

Shouldn't we be immune to these thoughts since motherhood is such a noble and natural part of our being?

I feel certain that after two girls, my mom prayed for a boy. Yet, I don't ever remember being treated differently. Heck, I don't even remember the day my brother was born.  There's nothing in my childhood that made me believe I was any lesser for being a girl.

All through my growing years, I never had any notion that baby boys were coveted. Well, at least, among us three girls and one boy, there was no hint of disparity in how we were brought up. In fact, I did hear comments that my brother would grow up to be 'girlish' and 'gay-ish'. Hah!! He's as macho as they come!

Yet, somewhere, somehow, this belief that I should want a baby boy was planted in my mind. Who put it there?

Have I missed having a daughter to call my own? I really wouldn’t know. It’s not the same but a consolation is that I have two beautiful nieces and they come wonderfully close to having my own girls.

In today's world, is there anything totally gender biased?  The line that divides the sexes is too fine.  No one sex really has a monopoly anymore.

Be that as it may, it's not about your sex or mine or even that of a baby. It's just about living, loving and ignoring the non-essential detail.

A child is, after all, a gift to us!

26 March 2010

19 years ago today!

I was once told that "whatever happens, always happens for the best".  

Well, whether it really happened for the best or not is relative.

Whatever happened 19 years ago today, marked a steep learning curve for me.

With where I am today and who I have turned out to be, I'd say I passed with flying colours.

This blog post is just to mark an unforgettable day!

21 March 2010

The "F" word

Finally! (No, that's not the "F" word). Finally, I'm 51.  

The "F" word is the FIFTIES.  

I remember being very excited turning 50. I guess I must have used up all the excitement then. This time, and it's the first time, I wasn't really excited about my birthday. It's my 51st birthday.  In roman numerals it would be LI.  

Yes, I'm aware that it's not a milestone. 50 is the turning point but not 51. Is that the reason why I am not excited? I don't really know.

I did feel the need to shop and get new stuff and that always leaves me with a feeling of great satisfaction. Unrelated to my birthday because I can feel the need for shopping at the drop of a hat and it always makes me happy.

I distinctly remember that when I was 46, I hatched a plan to write a letter to my mom, my dad and an aunt telling them how much I appreciate them, love them and saying how they had influenced me. I thought that it would be great to prepare the letter and give it to them when I turned 50.

It was not a difficult task. When I finished writing those letters, I felt very happy with myself. Then, I decided that I shouldn't wait. What if one of them died before I turned 50? What if I died first? Would anyone find these letters? It was then that I felt there was no need to wait. Yet, all four of us were alive when I celebrated my 50th birthday. Who was to know?

Anyway, every opportunity we have to show love, give love, plan love should be impromptu. There should be no time line and certainly no dead line.

The FIFTIES brings changes. Menopause, being one of them, can be a bitch and it will happen to every woman. Some come out of it unscathed and others may have a terrible period of adjustment and in serious cases, need hormone replacement therapy. However, it also marks the era when you can finally decide not to take any shit from anybody anymore. Know that this is liberating.

For me, reaching the fifties has always been an unconscious goal. It seemed to be the final hurdle I had to conquer. It meant the end of all my debts. It meant the culmination of 31 years of continued work. For a short span of time, I even considered retiring. Only good friends and a great network of family members helped me see that I can still do a lot to contribute to society. Their gentle words of advice and comments gave me the impulse to consider working for a little bit more. I have the earning power and I have the knowledge and capabilities to carry on. I think the option that I could just stay home tomorrow and not work anymore is wonderful. I have a choice. I am grateful for that.

The FIFTIES doesn’t fall in the same category as the “F” word as we all know it.

There is a freedom that comes with being in your FIFTIES that is very refreshing.

So with that said, HAPPY FIFTIES to me! It ain’t half bad! 

13 March 2010

I'll meet you halfway ~ that's better than no way

I used to be a great fan of The Partridge Family and the song "I'll meet you halfway" by David Cassidy.  Here's the song for those of the younger generation.

THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY lyrics - I'll Meet You Halfway 

Will there come a day you and I can say
We can finally see each other?
Will there come a time we can find the time
To reach out for one another?

We've been travelin' in circles such a long, long time
Tryin' to say hello, hello!
And we can just let it ride, but you're someone that I'd
Like to get to know

I'll meet you halfway, that's better than no way
There must be some way to get it together
And if there's some way, I know that some day
We just might work it out forever

Will there come a day (Will there come a day)
You and I can say (You and I can say)
We can finally see each other?
Will there come a time (Will there come a time)
We can find the time (We can find the time)
To reach out for one another?

I'll meet you halfway, that's better than no way
I'll meet you halfway, that's better than no way

[Repeat and fade]

I think, during that era, David was the heartthrob of many.  While I did not really declare my love for him openly, nevertheless I was deeply and totally dedicated to him.  There were afternoons when I just laid in bed listening to the song and willing him to feel my love.  Those were the days!

Yesterday, on the coach, halfway between Kuala Lumpur and Singapore, I thought of this song and the memories of my early teenage years came back.  How juvenile they seem now when I remember the longing I felt for a guy that didn't know I existed?  It made me smile.

Many things make me smile these days.  I find that it's not difficult to be happy if that is what you really want.  Likewise, if you are looking for misery, you'll bump into it at every corner.

I had to work quite long hours for the last three weeks.  I thought that it would make me miserable to do so.  Actually, it was quite fulfilling.  I liked the idea that I rose up to the occasion and did what was necessary.  Leaving the office later meant traffic had eased and driving home was a breeze.   From a long time ago, I knew that hard work never killed anybody.  It still holds true.  Yet we need to know when to take a break.  It helps in many ways.

I'll meet you halfway is more than the song implies.  I believe that it's the solution for many of us. Meeting someone's expectations halfway and bending rather than breaking.  Simply put, it's a compromise when we can't do it all.  Giving our best even when it's not enough for the other party.  It only means we've done our part and if it falls short, well, too bad then!

After being away from blogging due to the heavy workload, I'm glad to be back.  If you've been visiting my blog and missing me, I'm glad you are here again reading this. 

You've met me halfway!