Mother's Day 2012

My first Mother's Day E-card for 2012

came most unexpectedly from 

my Uncle Ralph Lesslar.

I love it and I shared it with others

because it really is quite beautiful.

Click to enjoy it.

So if you're a mom, let me take 

this opportunity to wish you

Of uncommon common sense

I guess it's too much to ask, nowadays, if people know the unwritten rules of protocol when visiting elderly folk in a nursing home.

Yes, I know that it's frowned upon when a parent is put in a nursing home.  Yet, if people take the trouble to look into the extenuating circumstances, they might understand the whys and the wherefores.  

In the taxi to visit my mother-in-law yesterday, the taxi driver asked me who I was visiting and I told him, "my mother".  He asked me why she was in a home and I explained to him.  When we reached the destination, he turned around and said to me, "You are doing good".  He went on to say that his mother was also in a nursing home.  It was expensive but it was the best thing for her.  The fact that a total stranger could understand, in under ten minutes, really took me by surprise because there are so many family members out there eager to whack us about this.  Fortunately, Stephen and his sister did not have to depend on the so-called family members when deciding this.  Today, mom is still alive and that's all I have to say about it.  

Then, there are also people who want to put their aged parents in a home but just cannot afford to.  Nobody wants to come out with the money.  When this is the case, the aged parent is not in a better situation because the children are 'forced' to look after them.  I have heard accusations flying back and forth between siblings who are counting the hours each one has to do 'duty'.  It is not a pleasant scene.

Isn't it also true that some aged parents, when they are no longer useful to their children, are ill-treated, even at home?  How many cases are there of physically and mentally abused parents?  Parents who bear the humiliation and pain because of not wanting to disgrace their own children.  

What about the children who take their parents in because of money?  To comply with the clause of  "you take me in, you get the money".  Let's not pretend here about some of the cases out there of the "holier than thou" variety.

I'm not going into all that today.  Perhaps, I'll come back to it another time.

Today, I just want to list some "unwritten rules" that decent people should be aware of.

GUIDELINES FOR VISITING ELDERLY FOLK IN A HOME

1.  You do not ask or hint for money from them.

2.  You do not unload your family or personal problems to them.

3.  You do not bring unhealthy food for them.

4.  You do not poison their minds about their immediate family members.

5.  You do not pretend concern if you visit only once in six months.

YOU MAY, HOWEVER, CONSIDER THESE!

1.  You bring a smile and a cheerful countenance.

2.  You talk about events that lift the spirit.

3.  You sit and listen because they want to talk.

4.  You give a hug and a kiss because it's good for the soul.

5.  You leave with words that nourish her.

So often I have had to listen to the complaints from my mother-in-law about the people who have broken their promises to her to bring her food/to visit again/to buy her something or other.  How can people be so thoughtless?

Just for Mother's Day!

REFLECTIONS OF A MOTHER 

-author unknown

I gave you life, 

but cannot live it for you. 

I can give you directions, 

but I cannot be there to lead you. 

I can take you to church, 

but I cannot make you believe. 

I can teach you right from wrong, 

but I cannot always decide for you. 

I can buy you beautiful clothes, 

but I cannot make you beautiful inside. 

I can offer you advice, 

but I cannot accept it for you. 

I can give you love, 

but I cannot force it upon you. 

I can teach you to share, 

but I cannot make you unselfish. 

I can teach you respect, 

but I cannot force you to show honor. 

I can advise you about friends, 

but cannot choose them for you. 

I can advise you about sex, 

but I cannot keep you pure. 

I can tell you about alcohol & drugs, 

but I can't say "No" for you. 

I can tell you about lofty goals, 

but I can't achieve them for you. 

I can teach you about kindness, 

but I can't force you to be gracious 

I can pray for you, 

but I cannot make you walk with God. 

I can tell you how to live, 

but I cannot give you eternal life. 

I can love you with unconditional love all of 

my life... and I will. 

pic from photobucket

Of me and my moms

On Mother’s Day, most people only talk about their biological mother.  In my case, I’m going all out to boast that I have a mother for each day of the week.  Yup, it’s true. I have SEVEN of them!

Of course, there’s my mom.

Since my parents are divorced,  I have a step mom.

I was a widow and now remarried so I have two mothers-in-law.

Then I found out, I have a step-mother-in-law.

If all that isn’t enough, I also have 2 godmothers.

All of them have completely different personalities.  The only similarity is that all of them are great cooks.  I guess in their time, it was a necessity and they honed that skill to perfection.  They look after the home and hearth, without fuss or fanfare.  They love without any expectations.  They are my moms and I am blessed.

Today being Mother’s Day, I want to highlight the best quality in each of them.

Mom Virginia - Her best quality is her quiet, gentle strength.  She takes everything in stride and gives without any reservation.  I have watched her struggle without complaining.  It has been a challenge for me to match her courage in the face of adversity.  She is an amazing woman.

Stepmom Julie - She loves with every fiber of her being.  It took me a bit of time to accept her but once I did, she became “Mama”, in every sense of the word.  She has intuition and will pick up the slack if she notices you need something.  She is an amazing woman.

Mom-in-law Rose - I learnt many things from her strong sense of duty towards every member of the family.  She gave me wings to fly when I needed it.  She stood by me for so many decisions I made.  She is an amazing woman.

Mom-in-law Myra – Generosity is her middle name.  I don’t know of anybody kinder and more giving than her.  She will not take more than she needs.  She will give her last dollar if you ask her for it.  In this, she is selfless.  She is an amazing woman.

Stepmom-in-law Ibu – Stephen and I call her Ibu Darling.  She is soft-spoken and sweetness personified.  From the first moment that I met her, I loved her.  I know she loves us more, and without any reservations.  She is an amazing woman.

Godmother Corazon – I am the daughter she never had.  She’s the one who pampered and spoilt me.  She understood my first heartbreak.  She never asked questions when I didn't have answers.  My teenage years were easier because of her.  She is an amazing woman.

Godmother Cathy – The most elegant woman I know.  She is always prim and proper.  Though we’d not been in touch for years, when she came back to Malaysia, we just picked up where we last left off.  She is an amazing woman.

So there you have it!  7 amazing women in my life.

Amazing women become amazing mothers.

Only when I became a mom, I found out that I could truly and deeply love another human being more than myself. 

Happy Mother’s Day to me and to all of them!!!!!

All pics from photobucket.

Mothers or Martyrs

Late last night, I received an sms asking if I was awake and if I had some words of wisdom to spare. Well, perhaps to share would have been a better word. The sender of the sms was lamenting that her children were ungrateful. They only look for her when they are in need and when things get better; they disappear without a word of gratitude. She went on to tell me that she could forget it but she felt hurt and disappointed. I did not really get what she was trying to say. My advice to her was to let it be. I told her to do what she could and to be happy to have helped. Most important of all, I told her to do it with a giving heart. Not to expect anything in return for whatever kindness done is probably best.

Frankly, her problem is that she helped her children with the idea that she would receive something in return.

I thought about it a little more. I wonder if mothers are supposed to be martyrs. Surely, that isn’t a pre-requisite.

I have heard of mothers who give their all and do their utmost for their children. They are self-sacrificing and think nothing of themselves except to be the model and perfect mom. On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve also heard of mothers who give birth then leave the kids to maids and never really have that natural mother/child bond. To the latter, having that baby was just part of an agenda in the book of life. I know that there a millions of scenarios and these are just two.

I think that expecting some acknowledgement from one’s children for what we do for them is not entirely wrong. However, if we want gratitude (in the form of a reward), then it becomes bizarre.

I don’t imagine myself as a “perfect” mom. I suspect it’s kinder on the children when the mother has flaws. It makes her approachable. A less than perfect mom would also be able to empathize with a child that is learning, searching and making mistakes along the way.

I remember when my boys were toddlers, “Dynasty” or “Dallas” were the hits on TV. I was a great fan in those days. When the show came on, my boys knew that whatever they asked of me, during that one-hour show, I would respond with, “Wait for the advertisement!” They understood that it was “my” time and that during the intervals I would attend to them. If they forgot, I only had to say “Wait” and they would finish my sentence with “for the advertisement!” It turned out to be a game for them. Did it make me a bad mom? I don’t think so. My sons gained valuable lessons there. I think they learnt not to be demanding. They know that waiting a while is not a bad thing. Probably some moms knowing I did this would cringe in horror that I could put TV before my sons. My own aged aunts raised their eyebrows at the many unorthodox methods I have used with my own flesh and blood. In reality, it’s my decision since it’s my responsibility.

Today, everyone tells me that my son is such a “nice” person. “Nice” is good! “Nice” is what’s inside of him. The external qualities don’t mean a thing unless his heart is nice. I’m patting myself on my own shoulder for this!

Coming back to a mother being a martyr, I believe that a mother, who does everything out of love for her child, does not ever expect anything in return, not even gratitude. The mothers who have mechanically looked after their child, doing only what society expects them to do, are the ones that end up feeling unloved, unappreciated, disappointed and sad.

This is probably what happened to my night smser. Her kids are all grown up. They are all married. She feels her job is done and it’s payback time. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. They all have their lives to lead. The sooner she realises it, the better it will be for her.

Such is life!