16 March 2009

The Light at the End of the Tunnel - Part 4

The strange thing about widowhood for me was I did not know how to fit in. In short, I felt like a misfit.

Some people pitied me. Some envied me. Yes, you heard it right! The miserably married ones felt I had been given a chance to start anew. Some sympathised with me. Some ignored me. Some “hit” on me. Well, I was only 32 years old then! Some just stood by me.

My life had been so simple. I didn’t know about the real world. My world revolved around the home, the husband and the 2 kids. Alone, without the protection of a spouse, I discovered the innuendos of human relationships. In short, I had a crash course in “life”, without the rose-tinted glasses.

I made some blunders and had to learn some of life’s lessons the hard way. However, at the end of it all, I think I’ve come out of it relatively unscathed. I chalk each one of those episodes to experience. What else can we do but learn from our mistakes?!

The light at the end of the tunnel is the realisation that I didn’t need to be part of a whole. I found that I could function as a single entity. I became confident of myself. I developed the wits needed to survive in today’s world. I grew tougher emotionally. I became stronger spiritually. My entire outlook towards everything evolved.

Would I be who I am today if I had not lost DC? In all honesty, I doubt it. Being pushed to the edge of insanity and finding my way back, had taken a toll on the “old” me. I am sure that DC would not know or recognise the “new” me. I don’t even know if we would be compatible. I am almost the opposite of what I used to be. Not by choice really but more because of conditioning.

Where I was once shy and quiet, I am now bold and outspoken. Where I was innocent and gullible, I am now guilty of being a cynic. Where I used to be soft, I am now harder.

The light at the end of the tunnel was, always, a beacon of hope that I, inadvertently, moved toward to become who I am today.


Richard Loh said...

Sometimes looking back at our past can help us realized the many misstep that we had taken. Good and bad things will befall upon us throughout our lifetime. If we are not face with circumstances we will always take things for granted.

Its a great courage for you to write what happen in your family life and I hope your own encouragement to move forward will see a brighter future and a fruitful life.

Michael Song said...

how i wish i can b as strong as u...

Icekoolbabe50 said...

"Where I was once shy and quiet, I am now bold and outspoken. Where I was innocent and gullible, I am now guilty of being a cynic. Where I used to be soft, I am now harder."

What you wrote was who I was before my divorce and who I am now. Hardened and cynic but still feel for the underpriviledged etc...but I see the world from a different angle.

Estrelita Soliano Grosse said...

Richard: It doesn't really take courage to write what is felt by the heart. I only hope that whoever reads my writing, will know that no matter how dark the days can be, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. :)

Michael: You are as strong as you want to be. When faced with adversity, you will find that strength to go on. :)

Icekoolbabe50: Pain and loss changes us in ways we cannot imagine. The important lesson is to know that life goes on and no matter who we become, we have to be the best that we can be! :)

Anonymous said...

Dear Lita,
Thanks for your sharing. I lost my mom while I was a teenager and it was painful too.

Now, I learned too that life is but a journey, perhaps with several chapters too. we find solace in the Lord too.So, Yes, be strong and live well and lived full.

There are many more people who needs your love and caring too. Sure Stevie agrees too, ya?
So march on.


Estrelita Soliano Grosse said...

Mark: Always sensitive and full of kind words. What a good friend you are!!!!

Thanks for being so sweet! :)

zewt said...

i think at the end of it all... you're a much better person... guess that's good enough.

like the more outspoken bit :)

Antares said...

Lita, you are a rare treasure of a human being - tough as nails, yet tender as an angel's caress... Big blast of love coming your way! :-)

Estrelita Soliano Grosse said...

Zewt: I'd like to believe that I am a better person for all that.

Antares: Wow, needed that blast of love today and you sent it! Thanks, love!

Her son said...

I can certainly vouch for her being harder and more outspoken... In a good way, of course =]

Patricia said...

The greatest disservice Tom Cruise did the world in Jerry Maguire was these words, 'you complete me'.

I think what I see here is someone who is complete. By herself. And so, happy because of it.

I wish more people - both young and old - would read your words and realise that their happiness is in their own hands.

I am indeed proud to call you friend.

Estrelita Soliano Grosse said...

Patricia: Thanks for such kind words. I'm glad to be your friend too! Really glad.